S e n d m e i n s a n e

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Another reflection and contemplation

i know i've said several times already that i should, and would never again, look back to the past. but, as blair waldorf (excuse the ref to GG, c'mon guys) said beautifully, to deny one's past is to deny one's self.

don't worry, i'm not looking too far back, or to the recent past. just wanted to mention on this post of this picture that's hanging on the shelf in my living room. it's a picture of myself, aiping, lin-na, and miss looi at our 3rd penang state tkd tournament, and our first time ever as state champions. even now, i can still remember them very clearly, our training, and the days of, our 1st, 2nd, and 3rd state tournaments, the emotions that ran high on those days, all the sweat and tears and joys and laughter..... it was a fun time, and it was what we were training for all the while.

let's see if i can try to make it somewhat coherent to provide a little background to what i want to say:

1st Penang State TKD Tournament:
I think i was around 13, 14 at that time. Totally green in TKD, but somehow, i don't know when, i must have loved it cuz i really didn't mind, and even despite my parents' objections, wanted to go for rehearsal training at the centre (then called Mensa TKD Centre) dead in the night around 7, 8pm. We were still training in the main complex then, so we were all there, in the dark, practicing our team pattern, hwa-rang. I remember the thrill of actually learning a pattern that was a few belts above my then-current level, and that thrill never went away despite the numerous times we had to repeat that pattern. I think i can probably recall a bit, if not all of the sequence to this day. i can't remember too clearly the team members already, but i was sure Renee and Weng Kit were on it. I think the other 2 were Lin-Na and Ai Ping? Or was it Chun Lim?

Anywayz, at the day of the tournament (it was at Convent Bukit Mertajam, I think) when we did our team pattern, there was so much excitement, really. I mean, for one thing, it was our first state level tournament, we're competing against total strangers for the first time ever, not knowing how good the others were, totally braving the unknown. And when we did our pattern, it was a release. We let out all of our reserved energies, and showed everyone what our hours and hours of training was all about, and we did GOOD!. We got bronze that day, and our centre, through a mistake of our own, got 3rd place overall in the state. Not back for a first time. But, now that I think of it, it was then that things started changing.

2nd Penang State TKD Tournament:
In this tournament, we were absolutely determined to win. We trained harder, for sure, and we made sure that this time, all our other classes at Pykett, etc were all under one banner. We all knew that, if we didn't make that mistake last time, we would have been state champions already. I don't really remember much of my roll in this tournament (I guess that shows, kinda, what has been happening in the centre already, where i am concerned). Still, what I clearly remember was that we trained, and still trained, no less harder, and no less that 200%, as always, for every single tournament.

On that day, at Chung Ling Butterworth, the turning point for us, and for the tournament, was when our, what i'd like to call 'premier', girls' team went to do their team pattern, the cheers, the anticipation, the awe, everything was just indescribable. Of course, I, and I'm sure not too few other guys, thought that their marching in was a little.....hard to watch, maybe even childish, but, they were great girls and they pulled it off, no matter what I or anyone else did. And when they did their pattern, when they did it.....you knew, i knew, everyone knew, that the girls had aced the tournament. They were the top in that group. No one else before them, or after, presented any performance even close to matching them. Even our competitors cheered for them. And that's when things started to get ugly. The final tally for that group pattern came up. The 3rd place winners were called. Then the 2nd. Then the Champions, and our girls were in none of them. Zip. None. Not a one. There was outrage. There were tears. There was frustration. And there was definitely anger. From us. From LMTC. From our instructors. Even from our close rival groups. How could that have happened? Our centre went home 2nd place overall that weekend. There were many, many tears. Our instructor told us to keep our spirit up. Not to let anyone tell us any different. We know we are good. We ARE GOOD! And we will show them again, no matter how long it takes.

3rd Penang State TKD Tournament:
By this time, most of my friends and I were already black belt, i guess, so that would make me around 16. but somehow, all the training, luster and joy of training, seems to have been lost. we still did our best, no doubt, and everyone performed superbly. In the end, after all our training and anticipation, relief and joy, pure tears of joy, washed through everyone as we became, for the first time ever, the new State Champions. all of our friends, and even rivals, cheered, and everyone in the centre, those who won a medal and those who didn't felt they've accomplished something. everyone played a part in it, and everyone shared the glory. but after that..... that was it

i can't say for sure if it's because we became black belt, or because we were so focused on tournaments after tournaments, training, for me, became not training for fun, or even enjoyable. training just became training after that. frictions arose, and when the time came, i left. obviously i can't say i never looked back, cuz that is what i'm doing now, but i don't think i can ever go back there. not anymore, as much as i want to, it just can never happen again.

Fast forward to today, i'm doing capoeira, and, as i've probably said before, it's the first in a long time that i've felt alive again, and even know how to have fun again. The TKD book is closed, for sure, but sometimes, once in a while, it's nice to pick it up and read it again, so as to not make the same mistake again. One thing about caps that is awesome is that, there are no grades, really, no competition or anything either. just a bunch of guys and gals getting together to 'play the game' because for no other reason than that it is fun. i do hope to continue playing it for a long time to come. but, at the same time, sometimes, i hope that i will get to see my TKD colleagues again. i hope to show that i am no longer the arrogant jackass that i was. I hope to show that, maybe in someways, i can and maybe have, humbled myself a bit. That i am not really what they remember me as. and maybe, maybe then, we can really be friends instead of colleagues.

send me insane 2:40 PM